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LIMES
Posted 2009-12-11 10:19 AM (#22755)
Subject: Bored...
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10010050
C'mon you lot- entertain me- tell me a joke.
marty
Posted 2009-12-11 11:06 AM (#22756 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Nearly A Band Member

Posts: 834
500100100100101010
Location: Auchenblae, Scotland
OK Limes, no jokes handy but here are some questions for you to ponder.............




• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

• If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

• Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

• Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

• Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

• Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

• If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

LIMES
Posted 2009-12-11 4:28 PM (#22760 - in reply to #22756)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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10010050

Now that is funny- thank you- but very true- altho I have the answers for some of them questions! LOL.

Thank you Marty for making me smile!

Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-11 7:50 PM (#22761 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Fantastic Jokes ! --Great job !
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Those were fantastic Marty ! I can speculate on two just for fun -- My experiance with the two french girlfriends ive had -- Id say yea thats the way they kiss there and should everywhere as for my opinion .The best you know?-, these chicks know how to kiss !!!!!! - The light in the frezzer thing -- well besides the heat, incondecent bulbs put out -- I think the vast freezing from heat and cold would shorten element life-- Im surprised they dont use Neon , I think neon will ignight in very cold temps, where standard flourescent wont and they last for years and years and put a nice soft light, will have to experament a little . In honesty i am speculating there. Those were fantastic Marty, I have to hand it to you ! Awesome Twisted Humor my friend !
And the coyote Thing Wasnt that Acme stuff cool -- Man They made everything- Great cartoon ! awesome writer !
Also If thats your picture limes -- nice looking lady ! -- Some peeps pictures dont look like them - you know?

Edited by Jim Hudson 2009-12-11 8:08 PM
LIMES
Posted 2009-12-12 3:17 AM (#22767 - in reply to #22761)
Subject: RE: Fantastic Jokes ! --Great job !
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10010050

This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.

His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.

"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.

To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...

"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.

Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.

"You didn't!" she hoped.

He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."

Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"

"No no really," answers the man.

Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"

He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!.

________________________________

Oh and yes Jim Thank you, you are soo sweet, that IS me... so it proves...I actually DON'T look like a little green lime. LOL.

Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-12 5:31 PM (#22774 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Awesome Fun !
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
See That, Pretty and a good Joke teller -- How cool is that ! We may not allways tell you , limes but yea - your jokes and stories are awesome ! -- It really does add alot of fun to the board-- Cyndi has some cool ones also - I wonder where you guys come up with them -- great fun!-- Oh and god yea not to forget Marty -- Nice job - my friend !

Edited by Jim Hudson 2009-12-12 5:36 PM
marty
Posted 2009-12-12 6:20 PM (#22775 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Nearly A Band Member

Posts: 834
500100100100101010
Location: Auchenblae, Scotland
Thought you might appreciate these...................... some local lonely hearts ads

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Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-12 6:30 PM (#22777 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Thats great Marty -- I couldnt write like that if I tried - wonderfull stuff !
TB.
Posted 2009-12-14 10:19 AM (#22791 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Full-On SMF

Posts: 88
50101010
Location: ?
Why did the bakers hands smell funny?


He kneaded a poo.
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-14 4:51 PM (#22796 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.
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A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."


LIMES - 2009-12-11 5:19 AM

C'mon you lot- entertain me- tell me a joke.
Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-14 11:35 PM (#22804 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Fantastic Jokes ! --Great job !
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Good one Cyndi , -- of course he never would have gotten the chance to walk out the bar other wise so--- at least he got his dream fulfilled-- weird ? -- maybe but you know.
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-15 2:26 AM (#22807 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.
Photobucket

The wife bitched me out last night, for walking through the house with my boots on again. So I decided to jump on the bike and go for a quick spin, to cool down.


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Boy, that made her really mad!
Photobucket


Edited by SMF Cyndi 2009-12-15 2:31 AM
marty
Posted 2009-12-16 7:34 PM (#22832 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Nearly A Band Member

Posts: 834
500100100100101010
Location: Auchenblae, Scotland
A HUNDRED PERCENT

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. What makes up 100% in life? How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
font color="#40a0ff"> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far asskissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bullshit and Asskissing that will put you over the top.

Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-16 9:16 PM (#22833 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Your words to gods ear !
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-16 10:25 PM (#22834 - in reply to #22832)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.
hahaha...Marty that is too funny!!!!



Edited by SMF Cyndi 2009-12-16 10:25 PM
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