Mike's Big Column

So, we are back in the clubs and more popular than ever. It didn't matter what day of the week, all houses were packed. I knew Tony's' days were coming to an end. At some shows, this guy would be showing up with his friends. I think his name was Michael and I think he wore braces. I asked Fatty who this guy was. I rarely spoke to any one new who was hanging around until I was introduced. He said he was the ex-drummer from Alice Cooper. After talking to him for a bit, I really didn't like him too much. he was this kind of know it all type, snobby prick. It turns out later that the band also didn't think he was going to work out. The quest continues.

I remember we were going to do our annual jaunt out to the Hamptons. Each summer Twisted added The Mad Hatter of East Quogue onto the schedule. I had to pick up Dee and Roger at Dee's' apartment in Manhattan. All the way out there, Roger was busting our balls about why he shouldn't snort heroin. We know he was kidding now but then we weren't sure. Dee was trying to talk sense into him and started to get pissed because he really thought Roger wanted to try it. Then finally we realized he was pulling our legs and then we were busting jokes all the way out, but that's not all that was busting. The night before I ate at McDonalds and it gave me the wind something fierce. I started letting loose. First I blamed Roger. Then it was raw sewage from outside. Finally Dee screams, "ALTINI, YOU FILTHY ANIMAL!" Do you know how funny it looks, to have Dee with shades on and muscle-bound Roger hanging out the back windows of a thunderbird going down the Montawk Highway at about 75 miles an hour screaming that if I didn't' stop farting, they were going to kick the shit out of me. When we got there Dee swore he would never get in a car with me again.

We would play there all weekend, so we had to stay in a hotel. We also had a lot of free time on our hands and that's a dangerous thing for a road crew like ours. Don't get me wrong, we were the most professional and well respected crew on the circuit but we did do some f'd up things. A couple of us went to the beach after a Friday show. Of course we were all jerked up. Well, Elmo went to lay out for a bit and fell asleep. About 4 hours later some old guy was poking him with a stick. I think the guy thought he was a corpse or a sea monster. Elmo jumped up and the guy nearly shit in his pants. It turns out the guy was trying to get him up because he was redder than those hot tamale candies. He didn't have the greatest weekend after that.

The dressing room was on the second floor of the club. There was a big fan in the ceiling on the bar Floor. So all the hot air from the club was forced up into the dressing room. So it's 90 degrees outside with 80% humidity and now the fans are making it 30 degrees hotter. The guys were having trouble with the make up that day. The other problem with the fan was it was over the girls bathroom. You can't believe what goes on in a girls bathroom before a show. It was a 50 50 split on whipping. It's amazing what sticks out in your mind from a long time ago.

Saturday's show is over and we have to find our hotel. It was foggy as hell and it wasn't easy finding it. most of us got lost and we lost each other. Me and Fatty found what we thought was a road side deli. It seemed everything was closed Sunday morning. We go in and there is a Chinese guy behind the counter. There was a giant jar of pickles on the counter and small bags of ships and a lot of fishing stuff. I was like, what kind of deli is this, they don't have sandwiches or nothing. so I got 3 pickles and a cup of lo mein. We get settled in our room and I am starving. After 1 pickle you really had enough so I go for the lo mein.

I showed it to Fatty and he starts screaming, What the fuck is it. Lets go back and kick that fuck's ass in. I had no idea what he is talking about. I look in the cup and the lo mein is moving. So now I think we are both hallucinating when I picked some up, I realized my lo mein was fuckin' worms. We weren't in a deli, we were in a bait store. So now everyone is outside and no one can sleep. Charlie was no where to be found. so I found out what room he was in and marked his room with a pickle. I jammed that bastard in the door and it stuck out like a penis with a gonorrhea drip. He wasn't too happy about that one. Then we went looking for Big Sal. We found out what room he was in, and about 10 of us went through the grounds like commandos crouched down. Just as we were about to beat in the door, he comes flying out, half dressed, swinging his machete telling us how he is going to kill us if we don't leave him alone. By the way, Elmo and his friends didn't get there yet. We found out the next day he went into a ditch and when the cops came they found contraband and put them in a lock up until the owner of the bag fessed up. Anyway, the owners of the hotel were getting pissed at us but Sal went in and persuaded him to go to bed.

I found a brick in the middle of the lawn that had Nassau written on it. This became our mascot for the day. I would hold it on my crotch and say its so hard, a cat couldn't scratch it and proceeded to knock on doors with it. Then we discover the pool. with all the excitement, Sal decided to join us. All the other guests were hiding in their room. No one would come out. So in the fog and rain, we would take the pool furniture and attempt to place it all at the bottom of the pool, like Jacques Cousteau on crack. The funniest thing was watching Sal jump off the diving board with a patio umbrella like Mary Poppins on steroids. With nothing left to do, we finally crashed and got out of there as soon as we woke up. We didn't want to over stay our welcome.

Until next time,

Part 1: Introductions
Part 2: Animal At Emit's
Part 3: Mike's Big Guitar Debut
Part 4: You're Yelling In My Ear...
Part 5: Security, Peacekeepers and Eddie Kramer
Part 6: Never Buy Lo Mein Fron A Bait Store
Part 7: Greetings from Asbury Park
Part 8: Ah! Hito! Hiata!! It is...Garbage-Ra!!
Part 10: Goodbye, Tony, Hello, Joey... Goodbye, Joey, Hello, Richie...
Part 11: The Gemini, Big Sal and Altini's Fan Club
Part 12: 'Where's My Corned Beef Sandwich??'